


Aturdir

by heartfeltword



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Love Confessions, Self-Esteem Issues, Valentine's Day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 08:14:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17804360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartfeltword/pseuds/heartfeltword
Summary: It's Valentine's Day and you figured Jackal would be loving it but he's not, he's upset. It's up to you to cheer him up like he always did for you. And maybe slap some sense into him.Aturdir — When something overwhelms, bewilders, or stuns you to the point that you’re unable to focus and think straight.





	Aturdir

**Author's Note:**

> My first R6S fic. I hope it's ok.
> 
> Jackal needs more love. He's a wreck.

You noticed immediately that Jackal wasn’t himself when he sulked into the canteen after his morning workout. You tried to listen to Jager talk your ear off about his plans for Bandit tonight, nothing explicit but he did imply he was hoping to get some action (it was Bandit, of course he’d get laid). You watched Jackal pour himself a cup of coffee and immediately leave the canteen. No, he wasn’t himself. Usually he’d at least try and locate you and give you a warm smile. You chewed your lip wondering if you should go and find him.

“Are you even listening to me?” Jager huffed, annoyed that he wasn’t being listened to.

“Sorry,” You admitted, your face flushing.

Jager sighed and leaned into the table. “He’s always been like that.”

“Who?”

Jager gave you a pointed look. “Jackal.” The duh was implied by his look.

“I-I wasn’t- I was. I was just-”

“Yea sure.” Jager smiled at you, amused by your antics. “He doesn’t like Valentine’s Day.” Jager explained, leaning into his hand.

“Why?” You asked immediately. Jackal seemed like the guy who would love Valentine’s Day; he was always flirting with you and any other single female operator. He should be loving it; a charming smile on his handsome face, a string of bad pick up lines, and a determination to make someone laugh.

Jager shrugged. “Dunno, never talked to him much.” He leaned close, getting right in your ear, “Go find out.”

Your friend being so close startled you and you swatted your hand at him. The only one who you allowed to get into your space like that was…

You stood suddenly and went off to find Jackal. He shouldn’t be sad on Valentine’s Day. You had expected him to make a move to flirt with you, being a romantic holiday, but he seemed upset and it was up to you to make him smile. How exactly you’d manage you weren’t sure yet. You weren’t exactly the best at flirting. Usually you just got incredibly embarrassed as Jackal flirted effortlessly with you. But, well, you couldn’t deny you had feelings for the Spaniard, how could you not? He was stupidly handsome and his smile always made you feel funny but he never really did much besides flirt with you so you doubted anything would ever happen between you two. No matter how badly you wanted to make a move you never dared; he flirted endlessly with anyone so you tried not to take his words to heart. However you’d seen how he looked when flirting with others; it felt rehearsed, the same handful of lines rinsed and repeated, a close but still casual distance between them. But with you it was soft pet names, his body leaning too close and a few too many casual touches. It didn’t matter that you wanted him, not right now, he was sad and you wanted to cheer him up because he always did that for you.

You found him running endlessly on a treadmill in the training room. You couldn’t stop yourself from watching him run. He made it look effortless and kind of sexy. Of course it wouldn’t be the first time you’d gotten sucked into watching other operators workout. It was alluring and fascinating. You’d spent one afternoon watching Tachanka bench press more than you weighed, staring at his muscles as they worked with ease. You’d watched with intense fascination as Kapkan and Fuze fought to the death on the training mat; dirty punches, yelps of pain, the stretch of their bodies trying to get the upper hand. You couldn’t deny their strength and agility was intriguing and captivating.

Thankfully nobody was in the training room to notice your staring. Everyone was off being romantic elsewhere. You had to physically shake your head to get back on track. You were here to cheer Jackal up and sure, he’d probably appreciate being told he looked good running that wasn't something you’d say or do or. Oh god, your face was heating up just thinking about having the courage to do something. No, you went to Jackal’s side, slowly so you didn’t surprise him. You had no idea what to say, your head was already spinning in circles trying to think of what you could say. You could ask him out on a date and if he responded badly you could brush it off as friendship. You could try and get him to tell a story of his old days. You could try and tell him a story of your old days? You weren’t that old and Jackal had already heard most of your mishaps.

Jackal noticed you standing beside him and gave you a tired smile. He slowed the speed on his treadmill to give you his attention. “Can I help you, mi cariño?” He sounded tired, you knew his insomnia wore him down but this was different than his insomnia exhaustion.

“I, uh.” You didn’t know what to say. At all. “How are you?” You blurted out.

Jackal shrugged and looked at the treadmill adjusting it a little slower. “I’ve been better, cariño.”

“Insomnia?” You asked but you knew it wasn’t.

Jackal just hummed.

“I, um.” Fuck, how did you expect to cheer him up when you couldn’t stop stumbling over your words. “Why don’t you like Valentine’s Day?” You saw him flinch, wrong question, fuck. Fuck. “I mean! I never cared for it much, ya know,” You were backpedaling, your words rushing from your mouth in a sad attempt to save this whole thing. “I don’t need one specific day to show someone I care about them. You do it every day of the year, right?” You blinked up at the older man who had a soft smile on his face.

“You’re right, mi cariño. You,” He looked directly at you, “find someone you care about and you tell them, ok?” He looked back to his treadmill, dismissing you? No, no, you were here to make him smile. Instead he was implying that you should leave? That you didn’t care about him? No, you wouldn’t stand for that.

“I am, right now.” Courage washed over you. You were gonna do this. You were going to take your stand and allow yourself to feel. Feel the attraction and desire for the older man. You would make the jump and see what happened when you landed.

Jackal paused in his running, having to actually step to the sides of the treadmill to look over at you. Disbelief covered his face. Did he not believe you? Did he not believe you actually cared about him?

You smiled, shyly, but he still didn’t look convinced.

“Oh, bebita,” Jackal turned off the treadmill. He sounded like he was actually speaking to a child and you bristled at the idea that he didn’t believe you or thought you were an ignorant child. He stood in front of you and tucked a lock of your hair behind your ear before holding your cheek in his hand. “I am not worthy of your affections.”

What? He couldn’t be serious could he? He flirted with you all the time? And then to go and say that.

Jackal looked like he was about to turn so you grabbed his wrist and held him still. “Why not? Why do you flirt with everyone then? What are you afraid of?” Your voice firm as you maintained eye contact with him.

Jackal looked startled by your outburst. He blinked down at you in surprise.

“You flirt so you can get a taste at their smiles and laughter but you do it to everyone so nobody will take it seriously, right? You’re afraid of someone _actually_ taking you seriously, aren’t you?” You felt the realization wash over you as you picked at the facade Jackal had created.

“I,” Jackal looked uncharacteristically shy. He sighed deeply and his shoulders slumped. “I am not worthy, cariño, I am a flawed man and -”

“Relationships aren’t between two perfect people.” You snapped, stepping closer to Jackal. “Everyone, _everyone_ ,” you set your hand on his chest to hopefully reassure him, “has flaws. It’s about accepting those flaws that’s important. You think Bandit is flawless? You think Bandit is worthy of love? Jager still loves him unconditionally, flaws and all.”

“Bebita,” Jackal’s voice was barely a whisper but you could see the sadness in his eyes. You knew you were spot on in your assessment. You knew he was afraid and he clearly didn’t think that highly of himself, the suave and flirtatious Spaniard was just a front. You looked up at him; he looked older than he usually did as the weight of everything settled on his shoulders, his wrinkles seemed deeper, the bags under his eyes heavier, his smile strained. “You are young and deserve the world and I am sure you will find someone who will give you that world.” He was dismissing you again.

“I don’t give a shit about the world.” You grabbed the front of his shirt, it was sweaty and warm and pulled him closer.

“You should, cariño.” He still wasn’t convinced as you pulled him until your chests were touching. He looked down at you with sad eyes before he tried to pry your hand off his shirt. “I can’t be the one-”

“You are!” You cut him off grabbing his shirt with both hands now.

“No, you’re young still.”

“God, fuck! Ryad!” You didn’t know how else to tell Ryad you wanted him. You’d wanted him for a long time. But to hear that _this_ was the reason? No. Fuck that. Ryad was so worth loving. He was so worth _your_ love. “I get to decide who is worthy of my fucking love and it’s you, ya idiot!” You pulled on his shirt again before getting onto your tip toes to try and kiss him but he was far too tall and made no move to meet you halfway. His hand still pulling on your wrists, begging you to stop and let him go. He didn’t want to give in and allow himself to feel.

“Mi cariño, please, I can’t.” Jackal pleaded, his voice low, his eyes trained on yours as you struggled to get closer to him.

“No, you don’t want to, Ryad. You’re afraid that you’re gonna be happy and realize that hey maybe you’re worthy of that happiness and you shouldn’t mope all the time.”

“I don’t mope.” His voice was meek, defeated.

“Not externally but after this,” you made a quick gesture to your current position before wrapping your hand tightly back into his shirt giving him a stern look. “Don’t lie to me, Ryad, you never have.”

Jackal sighed, sounded defeated. “I don’t want to hurt you, bebita.”

“You won’t.” You promised him.

He pulled on your wrists again, forceful, pressing into the pressure points making it hurt. You didn’t want to let go. You knew if you let go he’d dart off and you’d never see him again. No, he was not going to win this. He wanted to be loved and he _needed_ to be loved but he was scared and talking himself out of it every chance he got.

“I’m sorry.” You said, steeling yourself for the choice you were about to make. He’d either hate you or he’d learn.  
Your eyes met and there was a little glimmer of hope in his eyes, whether it was that you’d give up and leave him be or you were going to prove your love you weren’t sure. You turned your body and looped your ankle around his and kicked back knocking his leg out from under him. Using your weight and the surprise you pushed him. You both crashed to the ground, the air forcing out of Jackal’s lungs as you landed on top of him. You’d apologize later because you were sure the impact wasn’t pleasant. While he was still stunned, wheezing and coughing a little, you straddled him and grabbed the back of his neck forcing him to look at you.

“I love you.” You told him, gripping his short hair forcing him to look at you and accept your words. “I don’t care if you think you’re flawed or not worthy. I think you’re amazing and a good person. I want this. I want _you_ , Ryad. So please, let me love you.”

His face softened as he looked up at you. You felt desperate. You didn’t want to force him to love you but to allow himself to feel what he really wanted to feel.

“Oh, bebita.” He cooed, his hands coming up to hold your face. “You are so stubborn.”

You smile, you could feel him relaxing beneath you. You loosened your grip on his hair and bent to kiss him. This time he met you halfway. The kiss was soft, your lips sliding together with ease, his heavy stubble scratching against your face. He reached one hand into your hair, pulling you closer, as his other stroked your cheek. You pulled away too soon for your own liking but being bent over him was uncomfortable and you wanted to make sure you hadn’t forced yourself onto someone who really didn’t want it. You weren’t expecting to see Jackal’s eyes shiny with tears though.

“Ryad?” You asked as you ran a thumb across his cheek.

He sat up, moving you into his lap like you weighed nothing, and pulled you into one of the tightest hugs you’d ever experienced. His face buried into the crook of your neck and you felt his body shudder. You held him close as he started to cry into your shoulder. You could feel the tears soaking into your shirt but you didn’t care. He was silent as he cried, his shoulders shaking against you.

“I love you.” You told him as you brushed your fingers through his hair. “I love all of you. All your flaws and all your scars.” You whispered into his ear as he shook in your arms. This was more intimate than your kissing. It was real and it was what Jackal needed. “I want to know you. I want to know every inch of you. I want to help you bear that weight you’ve been letting pull you down. I want to be with you.”

Jackal dug his hands into the back of your shirt. His nose brushed against your neck as he turned slightly. “I love you, too.” His voice was weak and cracked and even lower than normal. “I have since you first arrived. You were so sweet and innocent but I didn’t want to give in. I didn’t want to hurt you just because I wanted you.”

“I’m not going to break,” you reminded him as you rubbed his back.

“I know, I know.” Jackal whimpered.

“Will you go out with me tonight?” You asked, trying to lighten the mood a little.

Jackal let out a bark of laughter, his shoulders shaking before nodding against your shoulder. You could feel his smile as he placed a single kiss to your tear stained collar bone. “I would love that, mi cariño.”

**Author's Note:**

> Cariño is used for both male and females? But correct me if I'm wrong.


End file.
